Wednesday, November 28, 2007
yes indeed. i've once again proven that im useless and good for nothing. hopeless case.The weather had to play an even bigger joke on us by raining darn heavily.. but that didn't stop me. the rain was hitting hard on my skin, the wind blowly harshly across my face,the thunder roared loudly at my ears, the lightning flashing across my eyes. just reminded me that this was reality. i hate myself. alot. i wanted to cry quite badly. but the tears wouldn't come. i felt quite numb instead. right after they said we could go, everyone started discussing as usual. but i didn't really wana hear.. so i just shut up there. i really feel like quitting school. very badly. if i didn't have my parents to answer to, i definitely would. i don't care about my friends or scmc. in fact, im developing some kind of hatred for everything relating to sch now. blardie hell. i freaking hate organic chem... ARGH!!! im thinking of all the methods to kill myself. but im just a coward. those who manage to commit suicide are not as coward as people call them.. one more disaster on its way
8:31 PM; unforgotten.
Y
Monday, November 26, 2007
ok today's paper was quite cui... i forgot to bring one of the notes for open book exam then the ans was all in the notes.. i wanted to kill myself during the exam..oh well.. LSM1103's down.. 3 more to go..SSA2218 tml at 9am.. oh gdness... hope i can wake up..cant wait for hols to come.. i wana cut hair too.. but duno how short to cut >_<
10:04 PM; unforgotten.
Y
Thursday, November 22, 2007
BE warned: This is going to be quite an emo post
For the past 2 days, ma and pa took leave because my sis brought Rachel[my niece]and Rocky[her dog] over as she had a workshop to attend. I don’t really want to find excuses for myself but at times, I did feel quite irritated and resistant towards the “invasion of privacy” as I have had the house to myself for almost 6 months now. I guess I have gotten use to coming home to a vacant house as everyone’s not home yet. However, during these 2 days I came to a certain realization that I am actually a very sad person. [sad case]There were times I felt really disgusted with how my parents were playing with the baby and even at times, I was angry with it even [ how disgusting of me right?] but after that when I thought about it, I realized that it was the jealousy deep down inside me. I really hate myself for being so immature and selfish. Moreover, I’ve been really cold and uncaring towards my family that I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. Then yesterday, when I heard ma singing lullabies to the baby, I started crying. Somehow, the lullabies held so much warmth and care in it, the same warmth and care I dismissed everyday with cold looks and indifference and sometimes even rudeness. I remember once in primary school, [I used to stay at my neighbour’s house during the day before my parents got home], I cried non-stop for hours because I wanted my parents. I don’t know what changed. I found myself in the recent years, unwilling to let anyone really close. I’ve always had a sphere of “defence space” around me, both physically and emotionally. Even people whom I thought I was really close to, aren’t that close afterall. Even my sister, which brings me to the next point.I am touched that my sis keeps offering to be my listening ear, but I can’t bring myself to tell her things these days. In fact, I’m treating her with the same hostility as I do with my parents these years. Especially after she got married and moved out. Thinking back, when she first got together with her now-husband, I hate him because he was a threat to take away my sis from me; then came Rocky, which actually I liked to play with as well, and I don’t hate it, only when my sis plays with it or something like that; then now the baby. I hate the fact that I’m being forced into being her Godmother for baptism as well. But my sis doesn’t have catholic female friends, not close ones anyway, then they SAY that I’m more moral and responsible so I fit the shoes. I felt very very very resistant, but I couldn’t reject her. I don’t like having such responsibilities being pushed onto me especially when I’m not ready for it, and the baptism rehearsal is one day before my first exam and the baptism itself is one day before my final exam. Anyway, I’ve come to not hate my brother-in-law for a few years already, but I don’t if that’s cause I’ve come to accept him, or I have come to let go of my sis, in the sense that, I don’t care as much anymore. Then, I see my ma and pa, getting weak and all kinds of pains ans aches and I finally realized that they are getting old. It somehow never occurred to me that they will one day get old, and get pains that every old people have. One Sunday, I saw the both of them limping together as we were on our way to lunch, and I suddenly felt very sad and worried. And even for the next few days, the worry didn’t die off. Despite so, I still couldn’t bring myself to say those 3 important words to them. Is this the true value of those 3 words? The more important the people are, the harder it is to say? I really feel like hugging my mum, but I guess my pride is stopping me. And she’ll probably think I’m mad, or think something really bad happened to me.Today, both of them went back to work already, and I woke up this morning to find that my mum wasn’t around, it felt really empty. I was actually looking forward to hearing her around the house. I really miss being a kid, where I could just run to my parents when I was sad, happy, hungry or hurt, where nothing else really mattered. I really hate this ugly side of me. Possessive. Selfish. Uncaring. Hurtful. I pray every time that I’ll be a better daughter, sister and friend, but I find myself becoming an uglier person day by day. I really do hate myself so very much.
11:15 AM; unforgotten.
Y
Sunday, November 18, 2007
aiyo i cant stand the second word of my blog being a vulgarity so i shall blog sth to push that post down [i dowana delete it as my blog wudnt reflect me anymore] today is a gd mood day neh.. oh i must start by saying.. I NEED TO LOSE 2 KGS! FRUITS DIET HERE I COME~!Anw.. mugging gear is engaged.. now i have to fight against watching tv, sleeping and eating.. mostly eating.. wasting alot of time.. >_< i cant believe im saying this but organic chem [CM1121] is actually starting to make sense now.. but im still forgeting one topic after reading another.. but nehmind.. i can do it de!! GANBATTE NE!
reading LSM1103 now.. its actually very interesting.. if only we din have exams for it.. i wud love this very much hahaz.. actually i find myself liking all my mods now that im studying for it.. XD i especially like the animal kingdom~! haahahz XP
anw.. just to share what i think is damn funny!
for engin's reachout activity, they had RJ ppl coming to their fac la... then at the end of the day..
matt-kor's group had this gal coming up to him and said "i lost my photo, can i have yours?"
seriously i think this is superduper funny.. the pickup line is so last century la! but well it boosted kor's ego nevertheless.. hahaz..i think eddie and wyemun san wanna bury him le >_<
random shoutout.. I LOVE MELT! and TIFFANY! WEENZ! CHERIE! XINHUI! i love all of my frens too.. but i just wana mention these few ppl today.. miss you ppl lots!
7:33 PM; unforgotten.
Y
Friday, November 16, 2007
i fucking lost all my pics i took for xinwei and alvan's birthday, xinwei's bday after mc meeting, my ZOO pics [goddamnit F!] and pics i took yesterday for my dad's birthday.everythings going wrong.. fking need to punch sth and scream. ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff it.yes i need to scream vulgarities. and i dun care u are not ok w it.
4:23 PM; unforgotten.
Y
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
[On the Outside]Name: Vanessa now also known as VanenehBirth Date: 12 Aug '88Current Status: SingleEye Color: Dark Brown?Hair Color: Brown with a tinge of redRighty or Lefty: Righty[On the Inside]Your Heritage: Asian Chinese? [very complicated actually]Your Fear: Loneliness [or cockroaches]Your Weakness: Unable to control my emotionsYour Perfect Pizza: Hawaiian~! Toasted to perfection with the cheesey crust![Yesterday, Today , Tomorrow]Your First Thought This Morning: Sht i need to hurry wake up n study before i go for driving testYour Last Thought Before Bedtime: Last nite: Lord, pls let me pass my driving test.. normally.. i concuss immediatelyYour Most Missed Memories: Crapping and singing songs w Jie when she still stayed with us[Your Pick]Pepsi or Coke: CokeMcDonalds or Burger King: MacsSingle or Group Dates: depending on where? but i guess single..Adidas or Nike: ADIDAS~!Tea or Nestea: ehh is Nestea tea or coffee??Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate~!Cappuccino or Coffee: both also nice! but starbuck's cappucino azuki is super nice![Do You...]Smoke: nopes.. i cant stand the smokeCurse: yups stimes, tho i'd try not to..Take showers: fei hua.. i like the nicenice smell after showeringHave a crush: yeps~! eyecandy bah..XDThink you are in love: er i dun think so.. not enuf time n energyGo to school: unfortunately yes..Want to get married: erm.. maybe bah.. i guess?Believe in yourself: i try to psycho myself to..Think you are a health freak: eh health freak? i eat alot of chocs and icecreams and junk food leh[In the Past Month]Drank alcohol: nopesGone to the mall: eh.. i think so? like once.. >_<Been on stage: er no.. im not so lihai as weenzEaten sushi: YES~! i love jap food!!Dyed your hair: yeps~! last week![Have You Ever...]Played a stripping game: !? nooooChanged who you were to fit in: er.. not really leh... surely gt abit la.. but im mostly myself.. which is why i scare ppl or piss ppl off quite alot >_<[In a Girl/Guy]You are hoping to be married at the age of: er.. if do want to get married, i hope 30? cuz if not the family planning will be hell..Best Eye Color: Brown? i think it doesnt really matterBest Hair Color: hahaz dyed or not? anything la.. but i guess brownish?Short Hair or Long Hair: erm short? aBIT longish still ok la.. but not hyppie..[What Were You Doing]1 Min Ago: doing this quiz? 1 Hour Ago: watching anime on ch56 [actually i still am]4.5 Hours Ago: in biodiversity lecture1 Month Ago: erm busy with MC stuff?1 Year Ago: Mugging for A Levels.. =.=[Finish the Sentence]I Love: my family and friends.. ALOTI Feel: stressed and tired.I Hate: cockroaches. and ppl who cant be punctual or responsibleI Hide: my innermost thoughts and feelings.I Need: to stop slacking and start mugging[Tag five people] - wah lau weeyin u alr choped all the ppli wana tag..Mel.Cheeyen.Eddie.Xingyi.Weiren.
8:28 PM; unforgotten.
Y
yayyyyyyy finally!! after 11 mths!!! I passe my driving test on first attempt!! wahhaha im so proud of myself.. omg.. excitedness.. and i was so sure i was going to fail.. cuz my clutch all those like not super gd lidat >_<>
thanks to all those who wished me luck before the test and congratulated me after the test.. namely:
Mummy!
Daddy!
Jie!
Bernard
Edwin
Eddie
Matthew
Mel
Samuel
Now is to gear up for final exams... aja aja hwaiting! ganbatte!! jiayous~!
7:48 PM; unforgotten.
Y
Saturday, November 10, 2007
u know we're here for you..no matter what it is, if you need help, just ask k?we love you dear~! hwaiting!! be strong k?
9:49 PM; unforgotten.
Y
Thursday, November 08, 2007
aish my blog has been quite dead.. oh wellz.. anw some updates2 Nov, Friday: Played Street soccer for Sports Games' Day, and played basketball and netball too.. resulting in a leg cramp after everything and a sore back the next day too. tiring but very fun and fulfilling4 Nov, Sunday: Went for 3rd circuit lesson.was quite bad, kep mountin kerb for S curve cuz drove too fast at beginning, after that better6 Nov, Tuesday: Happy Birthday Ethan!7 Nov, Wednesday: D's "Neo-culture ~Beyond the World" album's offcial release!! i love D~! asagi.hidezou.hiroki.ruiza.tsunehito. is bigbig love!! hope their abum sells out! anw driving sucked.. went n test routes today... my control of clutch and accelerator was back at its sucky state.. RARHS... test next wed.. im so dead8 Nov, Thursday: Happy Deepavali~! nth much happened today but i'd like to say im hooked onto Jrock songs~! here are some songs i'd recommend:D - 桜花咲き染めにけり (Ouka Sakisomenikeri)
D - 太陽を葬る日 (Taiyou wo Okuru Hi)D - SleeperD -Glacier MeltAbingdon Boys School - NephilimAbingdon Boys School - Innocent SorrowX Japan - Forever Loveanw tml im going to the zoo! final bioD lab session [tho its not in a lab] but so fun la!! havent gone to the zoo in ages.. EXCITED!
10:23 PM; unforgotten.
Y
Friday, November 02, 2007
today is a seriously bad mood day..think i drank too much coffee..*vulgarities*frustrated.negativethots.negativeemotions.suicidal.dun worry.. just entertaining thots. not actually doing anything.hatred.detest.fury.Same Shit. Different Day.useless.incorrigible.damned.
12:11 AM; unforgotten.
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